A “Born ins” challenge to develop a "post cult" personality.

A “Born ins” challenge to develop a post cult personality.

 Mentally leaving the organization can be traumatic for a number of reasons. One of the biggest challenges for born-ins in finding their “pre cult” personality is that our entire personalities are based on the religion.  There is no such thing as a “pre cult” personality for us. Once you realize that the truth is a lie and that the things you have learned are false you look inside and realize that you are simply a shell of a person filled with sadness at being decieved.

 As a “born in” you see the world in a very black and white way. Things are right or wrong, good or bad.  Your personal conscience is not really your own, it is built on the mandates of some man in Brooklyn who has declared what is right and wrong for you. As a “born in” you accept that and never learn how to make a personal decision based on facts, logic or reason. You simply obey.

Your approach to the future is different from the people around you. You have always operated under the assumption that there is no real future for you in this world. Soon God was going to wipe away sickness, poverty and death and all of your problems would be over.  This belief stunted your long term view and made goals such as financial stability, higher educational opportunities and retirement oddly unappealing despite the sound logic and rationale behind them.   

 As a “born in” you might have developed a social disability that prevents you from becoming too close to anyone who is “worldly”. This same disability at the same time affects your relationship with those within the faith. You are often times on guard about what you say and the thoughts that you express for fear that you become labeled as weak or bad association.  All of your relationships are superficial at some level because inside you know that there might be the chance that you will have to cut-off a friendship if the organization demands it. Why get too close to someone that you might have to shun?  This caution results in having few close friends that you can share honest thoughts and feelings with.  This condition is tantamount to social purgatory or limbo at the best.

Complicating matters for many is the fact that loved ones are still trapped within the cult. For many of us these loved ones such as our husbands, wives, and children make the shell of a life that we have worth living. What do you do about this?  

So since so much of your personality is based on the dogma of the organization it can be a challenge to start from scratch in building your own life.  I am in that position as are many here. These are the questions that I ask myself to try to fill in this shell.

What do I love to do? What makes me laugh? Where do I want to be in 10 years, 20, or 30, or 50 (hopefully)?  What type of people do I want to be friends with? What are personal qualities that I value? If I died today, what would I want people to say about me? How do I give back to my community in ways that are measurable? What can I do to make sure my kids are raised without a “cult personality”?  

Hopefully one day I will be a person with a “post cult” personality. I want to be someone who looks for the best in others, who inspires others and who has more laugh wrinkles than frown lines. I want to live my life without fear and I want to die with dignity and no regrets.

It is a process I realize. I feel that many who are born ins are in the same position. The challenge is trying to figure out how to build a personality that never really existed?

SIAM

well written. I have this problem with my wife, who is a born in.

I saw this in myself as well..

Good thoughts stuckinamovement.  Even non-JWs have the same questions that you ask yourself - just not with the same degree of concern for discovering their authentic personality.  You are right it is a process with "I like it" or "I don't", instead of its good or evil.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

There's hope Siam!  Honest!

Sure for a long time after the borg, I settled comfortably on being a bitter and twisted antireligious militant atheist, blaming my dub upbringing for all manner of ills (some justified I think) and being bitter at my family still 'inside' .  It seems odd to me now, but I filled that void in life by being as 'antidub' as possible.  Safe to say this made me miserable :o(

Soon after I took up a hobby and a sport... the friends and experiences I've had through this have enriched and moulded my little world.  I'm now almost normal!  I suppose my personality has been formed along the way.  

You will always have hangups - I'm sure we all do.  For example, I can get emotional even now at Christmas when I see my two little monkey's excited faces and I wonder, what Christmas would be like as a kid, you just can't get that magic back (IMHO)

Posting in here is great too!  Or not... I'm more of a reader than poster, but I think it all helps!

The very pain is to live in a world you not raised to live in. They promised that we never grow old in this "system of things". Willing or not I think that meme will be with us forever in our subconscience.

Great post SIAM. 

Since there was no "Pre" Cult personality for us born-ins, it's probably more helpful to think of "Non" Cult personality.  That boils down to how much of your life you were able to devote to non-JW activities while still a witness. 

My parents were fairly strict in many areas but they did allow for some self-expression and development through playing music, non-school sports activities, a bit of non-District Convention travel and, later on, a smattering of classes at the Community College level. 

For that I am grateful that the hole in my soul isn't as great as some posters here. 

Thanks again SIAM.

om

Learn to like this world and this life.

I know how you Feel Siam,  I was a born in also.  I took many years for me finaly build my own Life.  I will tell you this, with time you WILL Heal and you will start to build your own set of value's, social network,  etc.  Just hang in there. 

Z

My folks koined the wt when I was about 5 years old. Not quite born in, but not much PRE Cult personality development either in this fat ol' cowboy. It has been tough finding my way around this place.

I know how you Feel Siam,  I was a born in also.  I took many years for me finaly build my own Life.

It's a very difficult project to just start over, especially in mid-life, or even later.

Doc

well written 'Stuck'! I enjoyed that, and identified with it....technically I am not a born-in (indoctrinated starting at age 5-6ish) but pretty dang close. I remember the first few weeks of the blinders coming off...I actually sobbed a few times, totally overcome with emotion realizing it was all fake. I am still partially living a lie, since I still pretend like I believe (for my wifes sake) although fortunately we don't go to 100% of the meetings. So I am stuck and can't fully develope my post cult personality yet. I do love so much not having to run the hamster wheel though....& no more meeting parts is something I revel in almost every day.

I really like your threads, SIAM- you write like only someone caught in a dilemma can....

Hell, it’s no big deal to leave the cult mentality behind- you just spend a year researching the Witnesses, the Bible, and Jehovah, and it will all turn to ashes, leaving you standing completely alone and free. The challenge is to move ahead in a positive direction; after the Watchtower Society and your own parents have done everything possible to sabotage your life.

2 points: Every minute you spend in Watchtower activity is another minute wasted from your life that you will never get back;

 and: You are the head of your family- you lead, they follow. If you change nothing; nothing will change.

SIAM - well written! You've expressed almost exactly what I was thinking about on my ride home from work today.

I definitely think the born-ins have it the hardest b/c most of their families (many of them) are JWs too.  So when/if you leave the ORG, you're totally on your own.   :(

I"ve wondered the same thing myself.  Being born into the religion,is part of me.  I don't think I can truly be seperate from that.  I just hope to take some of the values I agree with,and leave the mind control and judgmental attitudes in the past.

It's a struggle though,when things I should have had planned or figured out in my 20's,I'm dealing with now.  

As long as there are loved ones of ours that still remain inside the JW religion, it's something that will stay with us as long as any of them are still alive. It isnt something any of us can completely leave behind. Some fragments of the old ways and old thinking will stay with us always...

V665

good topic (bookmarking)

Good post SIAM.. as always! To be honest I don't think I'll ever truly know 'who' I am. There are so many different things going on inside that I sometimes haven't got a clue what is the 'real' me and what isn't.